I'm Awkward, I'm Awkward and Shy- A Tribute

Tonight was my last night living with my roommate Sara in Montclair. To commemorate this occasion, we went out for a few drinks at Tierney's, my favorite Montclair bar.




While there, we reminisced about the great times we've had living together, and also the poor decisions we've made during our time as dynamic duo; particularly in the arena of young men.


We started discussing how amazing it would be if the guys we regretted knowing were to show up tonight in a parade of our bad choices. This parade would include characters such as:


- Oscar, the bald-headed, over-eager guy posing as a buddy in order to gain trust



- Dr. Erik, the chiropractor living at home who specialized in mixed messages



- Dan, the reformed alcoholic who drinks coke at bars and travels to dance competitions throughout North Jersey


-Sam, AKA Pastor Sam, who introduced himself as a man of the cloth- yet another attempt to gain trust


- John*, who had this conversation confessing his affection for Sara:

John: "I really like you"
Sara: "That's nice"
John: "No really, I've had a crush on you for a really long time."
Sara: "Ok...Ali, can we go now?"


- Timmy G, The snow clearing master, hard to shake, yet convenient to keep arond in winter months


- Damian, Encountered at 30,000 feet but dropped due to his over-enthusiasm for intense work outs and tea


-Oakley, The a*hole to end all a*holes-'nuff said (if you know me well you know the story and no, I never heard from him again but I still hope to one day punch him in the face)


- Mike, the 30 year old vet's assistant, i.e. puppy nurse who could not read non-verbal cues, leading to the exclamation of this post's title


- Chris, random make-out from two years ago who was the only one in the parade who actually was there tonight, possibly fulfilling his destiny of marrying Sara one day


- Uncle Dougie, forty something sugar daddy who recently came into money and insisted on buying us "the most expensive shot the bar had to offer," whether it was something we wanted to drink or not




I am going to miss this place.













*name has been changed to protect identity

Goodbye, Cupcake

If you know me, you know I have an intense, at times uncontrollable sweet tooth. So one of my favorite places in Montclair is Gimmee Jimmies Cookie Bar. It has been my go-to spot for a while now to get amazing cupcakes and cookies. The thing that made them so special is that every cupcake was different. They were all decorated with bright colors and designs like tic-tac-toe, smiley faces, flowers, anything the little staff of bakers came up with.

I went there a couple weeks ago and they were closed with a sign saying they were preparing for a grand re-opening with their new five star pastry chef, or something along those lines.

I finally went back last night with a friend, excited to see what fancy new stuff they had added to their line up. The shop itself looked a little different, but what struck me most was the difference in the cupcakes. No fun colors, no wacky designs, not a huge variety from what I could see. The cupcakes looked fancy, but they didn't look fun. They were also either really big or really small and some of them looked like they had whipped cream on them instead of frosting- not cool.

I couldn't hide my disappointment even a little bit, I couldn't help it, I created a totally uncomfortable situation for the person working behind the counter. I just looked at the dessert cases, distraught. My friend patted my head and talked to me like a distressed child, asking in soothing tones, "do you want a cookie instead? How about the red velvet, they still look good, how about that, hmm, what do you think?"

"No, it's not the same. They look so different. I guess I'll just have an M&M cookie." The woman working handed it to me with an apologetic look and guiltily took my money.

Gimmee Jimmy's, if you have Google Alerts and happen to see this, please, at least keep some of the fun stuff. Whenever I introduced people to your wonderful selection of treats, the beautiful, bright cupcakes with loads of icing were what they remembered and what got them excited to come back. Please, if not for me, do it for the kids- actually really for me, kids won't miss what they never had. I, however, love those GD cupcakes.

Atonement

I haven't blogged in a while and I think part of the reason why is that I feel a little guilty about T-Bone. My last two posts were about her and didn't paint her in the best light, although they are written with affection.

Recently, I had to tell T-Bone's mom that I'm going to be moving and won't be able to keep taking her out after the month of June. I didn't think T-Bone would mind that much; I thought she would be a little disappointed that she would no longer be guaranteed french fries and ice cream bi-monthly but that that would be about it. I honestly didn't think our friendship was all that important to her.

Well, when I saw her mom after she'd broken the news to her, she let me know that T-Bone broke down and sobbed for about half an hour, asking her mom why she would tell her that when she'd been having a good day.

So, needless to say, I feel like an a-hole for using my interactions with her as blog fodder when clearly they meant something to her and she was getting something out of it. Even though she'll most likely never see this stuff, I still feel bad about it.

I'm going to try to make it up to her by doing whatever she wants the next (last) time I take her out. I'll let her eat anything she wants and I won't share the details.

This Little Piggy Took Advantage of The Adults in Her Life

I know I already wrote about my trip to the zoo with T-Bone, but I don't feel like I said all there is to say about that day.

I've talked before about how focused T-Bone is on food; so much so that it's almost not even funny anymore- almost. We had seen all there was to see at the zoo and I was ready to head for the exit when she said, "let's go see what's over there." I could clearly see that she was checking out the cafe and picnic area so I knew right where she was going with this.

I decided to play dumb though, to see how far she'd hint without actually asking for food. She asked me what I saw and when I said everything except food, she went so far as to make a motion of putting food into her mouth with her hand. "Oh, um, people eating?" I asked. "You GOT it!" she replied.

I told her we weren't going to get food at the zoo since it probably wasn't good anyway. I did take her to Stewart's though, since I actually hadn't had lunch and was pretty hungry myself. She got a full meal of popcorn shrimp, french fries, and an orange cream soda, and then topped it off with a chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream root beer float.

After that I took her home. We beat her mom home by a few minutes so we were bouncing a ball back and forth in her driveway while we waited. When her mom got there and asked her about the day, she bounced the ball to me and I missed it. As I walked across the yard to get it, I heard her mom say that they were going to go to Red Lobster in a little while for dinner and ask her if she'd eaten. I could hear her even though I could tell she tried to lower her voice when she answered "we just shared some cheese fries."

I couldn't believe my ears- she was telling her mom that I hadn't fed her so that she could eat again. I don't even know how she could have fit any more food in her stomach, but she certainly wasn't going to lose the chance to try!

She has probably been doing this all along, telling her mom and I that the other hadn't fed her so she wouldn't miss out on any culinary opportunity.

After I picked up the ball I walked back, pretended I hadn't heard their conversation and said, "we had a great time, went to the zoo and then to Stewart's for fried shrimp, french fries and ice cream- I'm stuffed!" Then I chuckled good natured-ly, gave T-Bone a long look and got in my car and drove home for a snack...not really.

I Can Wait a Few Years...

I took old T-Bone to the Turtle Back Zoo this weekend for our latest outing and got a scary look at what it is like for parents to take their kids on "fun" outings. It was a beautiful day on a long weekend so there were tons and tons of parents there with their kids. It was like a stroller parade, they were everywhere. I even got a wheel to the ankle at one point from a distracted parent who walked into me.

It was just so nuts to watch parents try to keep track of their kids, try to get them interested in what they were seeing, trying to make sure they actually saw the what they were supposed to be looking at. I just kept thinking to myself, they can't be enjoying this, neither the parents nor the kids. The kids were hot and tired from walking around, and they couldn't see everything. The parents were frustrated with the kids' whining, and arguing with their spouses about what to see next, what they'd already seen, when to go home. It must have seemed like a good idea on paper but it did not look like most of them were having a very good time.

My favorite was a set of grandparents there with their grandson, Joshua. He was maybe three or four, with a big Yankee hat on and a pair of what appeared to be transitions lens glasses. He had no interest in seeing the animals, he cared more about knowing exactly where they were at all times. The grandparents just seemed to think that the more they said his name, the better he would listen to what they were trying to engage him in.

Eventually, grandpa got fed up though. We were in front of them and I heard Joshua ask, "Grandpa, where are we now, what does the map say?" to which grandpa replied "What the hell do you care what the map says, Joshua, you're not even looking at anything on it!" And then grandma intervened and tried to smooth things over, but with an edge in her voice said, "Joshua, we just passed the cougar, that's where we are," and then to her husband, "He's done, he's just done. We'll take him on the train and then we're taking him home."

By the end of the day I have to admit, I felt pretty much the same way- only about myself.

"Your friend is the person who knows all about you, and still likes you." - Elbert Hubard

As part of a business trip last week I had a four hour layover in Atlanta on Thursday evening. Usually a long layover like that would be an annoyance. Since it was in Atlanta, though, it was an exciting opportunity to see one of my best friends.

My friend Jess has lived in Atlanta since around the time we graduated from college with her husband, Dustin, with whom I’m also friends. Jess and I were roommates our freshman year of college, and knew within 12 hours of meeting that we would be good friends. We knew this because we were in a triple room and heard that one person would be moved- we didn’t even have to discuss it, we asked our RA in unison, “Can we stay together?”

We still laugh about that third roommate who only lived with us for a week or so. We mostly enjoy the fact that she had lacy red lingerie hanging in the bathroom right next to her Barbie bath towel, that Jess broke her phone, bought a replacement and then wouldn’t give it to her when she moved out and that we would make fart noises from our beds when she was talking on the phone to her parents early in the morning.

That last thing is pretty representative of the basis of our friendship. We both say we knew we’d be friends for life when, while I was handing Jess hang lights while she stood on a chair to hang them up, she ripped one and then looked down at me, and after a beat stated matter-of-factly “I just farted,” before we both collapsed into giggles.

She changed schools after freshman year which was really sad for me, but we stayed in touch and a year to the day after graduation I was the maid of honor at her wedding.

Most recently she stayed with me at my parents’ house for a few days over Christmas and came with me to a dinner party at one of my friend’s houses. After dinner everyone was sitting in the living room and one girl was talking about her dog’s health problems. The dog would pee on the floor all the time and she was telling us the vet said the dog couldn’t control his sphincter muscle. Everyone nodded and expressed their concern and the conversation continued on. Then about 45 seconds later someone looked over and realized that Jess and I were both silently shaking with laughter on the couch. Everyone looked at us quizzically, and I choked out “we’re still laughing at sphincter.” A lot has changed in our lives but our mutual enjoyment of bathroom humor never will and I think that’s an important part of what has kept us so close all this time.

Now our latest joke will be the piano player at the Houlihan’s in the Atlanta airport who played sassy, ragtime type versions of songs by T.I., Outkast and Dr. Dre.

When I left we didn’t so much say goodbye as sing a lounge-y “You can have whatever you like” to each other as I got in line at security.

Squeal

Ok, my blog usually focuses on nonsensical, pointless stories about me. However, most people who know me well know that I am very sensitive about I think is fair and unfair and I hate when things are not fair. Usually I am most passionate when things are unfair towards me but I can get up in arms when things are unfair to other people too.

In this case, I am very put out by the HR policy at the work place of one of my good friends.

So, everyone, obviously, is aware of the whole Swine Flu concern. But my main take away from everything I've heard is, wash your hands carefully and often, don't go to Mexico and don't go to work or travel if you exhibit classic flu symptoms- not that difficult. However, a certain rehabilitation hospital seems to feel that this is much bigger threat.

My friend's coworkers have to travel to Vancouver for a conference this week for work, leaving today and returning Saturday. Since they are traveling on a plane, the hospital HR department is requiring that they stay home from work on Monday to allow for a proper "incubation period." BUT- this day away from work on Monday must come out of their PTO (paid time off- i.e. vacation) days!

WHAT?!

I am all for precaution and having the best interest of your employees and patients in mind, but if you are going to come up with this policy that is exclusive to your facility and at the discretion of your facility, then it should be at the expense of your facility. The employees are traveling so that they can offer new, thoughts, ideas and insights to the hospital- if you're going to require that they stay home as a consequence of making this trip for you, you should pay them for that time.

I don't rant often. I don't even get angry very easily at all, even in real life, but this made me mad. I know not that many people read my blog so I know I'm not starting a movement here or anything, but I so rarely feel very strongly about anything, I figured when it does happen I should get it down, for posterity if nothing else.