Friday, September 12, 2014

Stash

John and I are both, I think, pretty good communicators.  There are of course occasional misunderstandings, but luckily for us, they are usually along the lines of this recent conversation:

John: Your boyfriend Eric Decker has a porn stash.

Ali: How in the world would you know that?!

John: He was on TV last night after the game.

Ali: He talked about it on TV??

John: No, I just saw it on his face.

Ali: Wait, you're talking about facial hair?  I thought you meant a secret collection of erotic DVDs.


Friday, June 27, 2014

21 Reasons My Baby Needs to Take a Break While Nursing

1) I said something

2) I cleared my throat

3) The phone rang

4) I tried to read an email on my phone

5) I stopped looking at him for a second

6) He caught me trying to close my eyes

7) His Dad walked into the room

8) His Dad said something

9) His Dad wouldn't say something when stared at

10) His Dad walked out of the room

11) His Dad made a noise in another room

12) The TV is on

13) He needed to make sure I'd still smile if he wiggled his head one more time

14) BURP

15) A big truck drove by outside

16) POOP

17) He needed to pet me a little to let me know I'm doing a good job

18) I tried to cut his nails

19) Ceiling fan still there?

20) Ceiling fan still there?

21) Ceiling fan still there?

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Define "Just"

As a little treat to myself this weekend, I went to get a mani/pedi while little Leo slept.  I was sitting there in the massage chair with my feet soaking while the manicurist started on my hands.  I told her I needed my nails cut very short because they grow so fast.  After cutting down one hand of very long nails she asked “What kind of vitamins do you take?” 

“Prenatal,” I told her.

“Oh, you’re pregnant?” she asked.

I glanced down at my mid-section, and for a second I considered just telling her yes and calling it a day.  But I didn’t have enough to time to consider how I’d answer the next question of how far along.  I couldn’t decide in that split second just how pregnant I think I still look versus how pregnant I might look to other people.  So I went with the (mostly) true answer of, “No, I just had a baby.”

I don’t know how long I can claim that I “just” had a baby by way of explanation or excuse for my physical condition and occasional slovenly appearance, but I’m going to let it ride until someone calls me on it.

Of course the next question was how old my baby was.  Again, for just a second I considered saying “About a month,” thus avoiding any scrutiny of gut.  These women would never know.  They might even think I looked good for my situation.  Yet again though, my penchant for blurting out the truth in any situation, for better or worse won out and I told them that my son just turned three months.

Any conversation that followed was between the two nail technicians in a language I don’t speak so I can’t know if they judged me or not but next time someone asks, I hope to be ready with an appropriate lie.  I’m think I’ll just say “Centrum.”

Friday, November 8, 2013

Like A Glove

Although I have made an effort to eat healthfully during my pregnancy and to not go overboard on treats, I have enjoyed the license being pregnant has give me to indulge sometimes without shame or guilt.  I actually find that seeing a pregnant lady enjoying an ice cream cone or a cupcake brings a big smile to most people's faces - and it sure make me happy.  However, it doesn't feel quite as good when you sit down to tuck into some pizza and this is how you fit into the booth:



Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Ensconced

Only while pregnant would it be acceptable to receive, and then actually consider, a promotional email from a clothing company offering a BOGO on all velour items.



Sunday, September 22, 2013

Deep Pre-Natal Thoughts

When people tell me I have "the pregnant glow," is it wrong to not tell them that it's actually just really good bronzer?




Saturday, September 7, 2013

Bump It

I went to a pre-natal yoga class a little while ago, and one of the first things they do is have everyone go around and say how far along they are in their pregnancy.  As soon as I walked in I started trying to figure this out for myself. 

I concluded that I was easily the most pregnant person in the room and felt a sort of protective affection for these newbies, already planning how after class I'd answer their pregnancy questions in a manner that was authoritative without being patronizing.

I scanned the room again, making my guess about each one.  I was 16 weeks, so I was trying to compare their bellies to mine. 

The woman closest to me was very thin but had a noticeable bump so I thought she might be closest to me, maybe 15 or 16 weeks. 

Across the room was one who looked like she was still in the stage where she wouldn't have told anyone and co-workers would be wondering if she'd just gotten fat - I called it 11 weeks.

I had to full turn my head to look at the last woman in class because she was in a headstand against the wall.  Clearly an experienced yogi in great shape.  She looked quite the opposite of pregnant, I think her stomach curved in.  I concluded she'd either just found out the day before that she was pregnant or had come to the wrong class but decided to stick it out since she'd already fed the meter.

The class began and I went first, announcing my name and my 16 weeks along status with pride. 

After me was the one who was still in the "did she gain weight or is she pregnant?" stage.  "My name is Wendy and I'm 12 weeks," she announced.  Yes!  Pretty much nailed it.  I started thinking about how I'd tell her how great the second trimester is.

Next was the thin woman with the small bump who I'd guessed was in line with me.  "I'm Lisa and I am 22 weeks along."  Wamp wah, well good for her, maybe she could tell me a thing or two.

Finally, the fitness model came out of her inversion and looked up, "I'm Nicole and I'm 16 weeks."  I suddenly felt less proud of my little belly, but I hadn't been able to suck it in for weeks. 

I went through the class telling myself that everyone is different and that she probably wished she looked at least a little pregnant.  But I didn't stick around long enough at the end to see if there was any bump chat.  I rolled up my mat and towel and took my baby home.