Friday, May 30, 2008

Shave and a Bong Hit, Two Bits

I got my hair did today by a 26 year old Italian fellow named Pete, and I think I learned more about him in that 1.5 hours than I've learned about all the people who have ever cut, colored, styled or looked at my hair throughout the course of my entire life. For example, he always wanted to be a barber but was so good at doing women's hair he stuck to that instead. He met Carmen Electra in Atlantic City and said she was so tiny she "only came up to my nipple." His mom just got a Wii. He'd like to have kids before he's 30. He goes to New York Sports Club in downtown Montclair, he got chicken pox when he was nine and his favorite color is matte beige.

The thing that stood out to me the most, however, was how freely he discussed smoking weed with someone he did not know while he was on the clock at work. During the course of our conversation, he referred to smoking no fewer than five times. Case in point, he told me how when he met Carmen Electra he didn't say anything witty or clever because he'd just smoked three blunts and wasn't thinking clearly.

Then he asked what I was doing tonight. I told him probably nothing as I was tired and had to get up really early tomorrow morning (I didn't feel compelled to tell him "I'll probably write on my blog about your gratuitous mentions of recreational drug use while highlighting my hair"). He replied that he'd probably lay low too- finish work, go to the gym, smoke with his 'boys' then make it an early night.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I have a problem with people smoking weed, I'm just surprised that he'd be so open about it with someone he didn't know at all who was one of his clients at work... maybe I look like a stoner and just don't know it...

Monday, May 26, 2008

How I Spent My Memorial Day Vacation

There are those things in life that you worry about happening but rarely do- locking your keys in your car, walking around with your zipper down, sharting in public. But yesterday one of those sort of things happened to me. It wasn't even one I'd actually considered before but it turns out it is something to add to my list of life concerns.

I went to the gym and decided to stop by the bathroom before leaving the locker room. When I turned the lock it seemed loose but I didn't really think anything of it. Then I tried to open the door- no dice. The little lock knob just kept turning and turning. I knew it wouldn't unlock but still I turned it. I heard someone washing their hands and I kept turning the knob hoping they would wonder why and ask if they could get me some help, they apparently weren't worried about the constant turning of the lock and promptly left.

So then I had the decision to make- waiting for someone else to come in and asking them to get someone to help or take advantage of the fact that nobody else was in there and gracelessly crawl under the stall to get out through a door that worked. It only took about thirty seconds to make the choice. I took one last listen for anyone else in the bathroom, got down on my side and tried to keep my face as far from the floor as possible.

After I got out and washed my hands I honestly considered skipping my work out and going home; I figured I'd had enough excitement, but instead I brushed myself off and put the episode behind me.

At least now I know a little more about what type of person I am- one totally willing to slide around on the floor of a public bathroom rather than ask for help...not sure how what type of person that is, but that's me.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Working On My 27 Dresses

I had my final bridesmaid dress fitting for my friend Maleesa's wedding today. It fits. Phew.
I was really worried that I'd gained 20 pounds in the last two months without realizing it. I just pictured the motherly Irish seamstress trying to zip it up, clucking her tongue at me, tapping her finger to her chin and saying "we've got a problem here, love."

I had a scare, too, because I didn't realize that part of the tag was caught in the zipper and it wouldn't go up (that's what she said) and I had a panicked moment thinking my nightmare had come true. But then I found the seamstress and some scissors and all was well.

I actually think it may have fit better this time than last time. But maybe my expectations were lower after the reaction I got the first time I tried it on.

The seamstress had come in after I was already zipped up and after tugging here and smoothing there she stood back and said "It doesn't need to be altered or let out or anything but maybe if you wear some Spanx it will look just right."

"I already am wearing Spanx."

"Oh, well, it looks just fine then."

"Can I take it off now?"

Today she said it looked perfect and I chose to believe her. Now I just have to avoid gaining 20 pounds in the next two weeks and I'm home free.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Give My Regards to Kanye

I got back a little while ago from a whirlwind trip to Chicago- most of which was spent at gate E4 in O'Hare and in seat 24F in a plane on the O'Hare runway. It was a great trip, though, despite the travel time. I went to the BSM Media Mommy Blogger Monologues. I got to meet some wonderful people who gave me some great insight into the blogoshpere and Mommy Bloggers. Stephanie from Adventures in Babywearing was nice enough to introduce me to Arianne and from there I got to meet each member of the panel one on one. Everyone was so nice and willing to share advice and tips. Ashlee, Jaymi, Julie, Amy, Emily, Jory and Kim were all really helpful and I'm looking forward to getting to know them all better.

There were a few highlights to my trip aside from the panel, especially considering that the panel was the shortest leg of my journey. Highlights are as follows:

- Seeing a group of overly enthusiastic youngish people accompanied by two or three harried baby boomers and trying to figure out from external clues who and what they were. My first guess was missionaries but after I heard several of them singing to themselves in that way that says "I'm just singing to myself because I like to sing but I know you're probably listening and really enjoying it so I'll just continue and pretend I don't notice that you're noticing" I decided they were more likely a high school choir group on their way to perform at a competition or sporting event or at the very least a 4-H Fair

- Turning around to look at one of the singing students/missionaries and her stopping as soon as she caught my eye. It made me feel kind of mean...but then I got over it

- Encountering a group of what appeared to be young military school... students- recruits- privates? Not sure what you call them but they were standing in three very straight lines while men in uniform instructed them to speak now if they were carrying any weapons or aerosol products. I had to walk past them to get to the exit and found myself giving them a very wide berth as though I was worried that if I got too close they'd pull me into their formation and I'd never be heard from again

- Getting into a cab for the 40 minute ride to the hotel (mostly high speed highway driving) and realizing as it pulled away from the curb that the window (which was all the way down) would not go up. The driver seemed to think that locking and unlocking the doors would solve this problem- as though engaging one button would make the other feel left out and thus compelled to do its didn't work

- Being called "Ms. Greco" when I checked into the hotel and getting a sweet upgrade to a fancy room

- Sitting next to an older lady while waiting for my plane to arrive and listening to her talk on her cell phone with it held up to hear ear while it was on speaker

- Sitting next to a professional gentleman on the plane who looked very polished and slick but smelled distinctly of deli meat

Hopefully I'll get to go back to Chicago some time when I can spend a little more time there and see the city but for now I'm happy with my windy city adventure.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Boy (who failed chemistry) Meets Girl (who failed basic social interaction)

If you're on a date with someone and you're just not feeling a spark but you get the impression they feel differently- how do you get the message across that the chemistry is not there without being rude?

If you're me, apparently, you avoid eye contact, speak nonsensically (and fast) and hold you car key poised like a weapon when he walks you to your car.

What if then he still doesn't get it and slyly maneuvers himself so that he is strategically positioned between you and the haven of your car interior and you can't even reach for the door handle without leaning directly into him?

It seems in that situation that I would try to inch around to a place where I could reach out a hand and make a grab for the door handle. Also I'd continuously hit the unlock button to make sure the door was ready for me when I made my move.

What then if, in your attempt to get close to the car door you inadvertently got close enough for your date (being totally incapable of picking up on nonverbal signals or body language) reached out to cup your face, said "Come here" and went in for a kiss.

Well, if you're me, a recent study shows that you would duck your head, turn away and when he says "what, no kiss?" you would reply "Uh, sorry, I'm awkward. I'm awkward and shy."

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

No Sweat

I was at the gym tonight and for some reason kept noticing the varying sizes and severity of the sweat stains on the clothing of people passing by my elliptical machine. It got me thinking about this, the body's natural self cooling system, and how people deal with and react to excessive perspiration.

I heard a statistic once that the majority of people, or at least a large percentage, think that they sweat more than the average person or more than is normal. If that is the case- wouldn't that mean that sweating what we generally consider an inappropriate amount actually is normal and average? And, as such, should be accepted- even expected?

Is it just a hyper-sensitive perception of perspiration rather than a hyperhidrosis of the axilia and other gland-rich regions? Not to say we should pat people on their clammy backs and cheer on the discontinued use of sweat reduction products and services- but maybe just be a little more accepting of ourselves and each other's bodies in their instinctive quest to keep us cool.

Just something to think about...

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Catch Phrase

While getting ready to go out to the bars in West Chester, PA for my sister Jackie's 21st birthday recently, a bunch of us sat around her apartment drinking beer and playing electronic Catch Phrase. Some of the things people came up with for this game were pretty funny and I want to note them here for posterity.

I think they are best appreciated when read as a dialogue so I'll try to make it as clear as possible who said what and who was providing the clues, what the correct answer was and what the guesses were...if it's not funny then I guess you just had to be there...

Correct Answer: Tony Blair
Clue from my brother, Matt: "Former Prime Minister of England"
Guess from my sister's sorority sister: "Madeleine Albright!"
My brother's response: "Let's hear it for a West Chester University education"

Correct Answer: Vin Diesel
Clue from me: "He's an actor...but not really..."
Immediate guess from my sister's friend, Craig: "Vin Diesel!"
Response from Me: "You just blew my mind"

Correct Answer: Principal
Clue from my sister's friend, Ashley: "He owns the school"
Response from everybody: "uuhhh"

Correct Answer: Exaggerate
Clue from my sister: "I used to do this a lot when I was little"
Guess from me: "Dance naked on your bed in front of the mirror"
Guess from my brother: "Steal sticks of butter out of the fridge and hide behind the couch to eat them"
Guess from me: "Demand that Mom and Dad drive you to your imaginary friend's house"
Guess from my brother: "Tell on yourself to Mom and Dad if you even thought of a curse word in your mind, even if you didn't say it out loud"
-Timer buzzes, indicating time is up
Response from my sister: "It was exaggerate. I hate you guys."